User blog:FinchelWemma/Marina's Sexuality Blog

Hey guys,

so last weeks theme was very hard. I am so glad that I made it into this week. Also in the last week we all saw Roxys soft side. I hope she will continue with this side of her. I like it very much.

So. Now let us go to this weeks theme. It was Sexuality. I wasn't amused as Robert said us this weeks theme. I felt lost. It was a theme a don't like. How the hell should I be sexy with a wheelchair? This is not working. That is almost impossible. Everyone in the room was happy about the theme of this week but I am not. But I am a fighter. I try my best. That is all I can do. Robert announces the song for the homework assignment and it was "Sexy And I Know It " by LMFAO. I like the song but I don't feel comfortable with it. Robert gave us the lyrics and then went away. We split the lyrics and then Mikaela came up with the idea that we were all shirtless during the song. This isn't a great idea. But after a vote this idea were taken. So I must live with it. Mikaela was so happy that her idea won. I just hate this week so much.

In the choir room everyone was so excited about the performance. I wasn't excited about it. I had such a terrible feeling for the assignment. But I will go through it. With a good or bad mention. I will live with  it. So our mentors for this week were Gray and Taylen. I was surprised. Taylen was the winner of season one of project: glee. Now I am really nervous and don't feel right with the performance. Stupid Mikaela with this stupid idea. We did our performance. After that Gray said that my performance wasn't great. He said that I seemed awkward and that I hide myself. My thought: Oh hey guy. I am sitting in a wheelchair. I just want to know how you would feel if you must sit in there and must be sexy. That isn't easy. But who cares. Right. None of them I thought in that moment. But I took this mention and will remember it for a later moment. After some mentions Gray and Taylen went into a corner to discuss their decision. In the end Reid won the assignment. The song for the music video was "Die Young" by Ke$ha. In the video we all arrive at a house party by Reid and things start getting sexy. Ow... That will be much hard work for me. I don't like sexuality. Especially being sexy with this thing under me.

In choreography Zach paired us up. I was with Reid. I know he doesn't like me at all so it will be hard for me to be sexy. Also I was never been kissed before. So I put up a fence around myself so that no one can hurt me. It is difficult to be sexy in my condition because I know that no one will ever love me with this. Zach told us again that we are at Reids House Party and things start getting sexy. Later we all run away with our partner in different places in the house and we should act sexy between each other. Every pair was great in it. Some had trouble but I had the most trouble with it. Because of this stupid wheelchair. Sometimes I wish that would never have been happened. Maybe everything were different a little bit easier for me. In the end Zach said to me that I just loose my tension and that I can be sexy. But I know that this was the worst week for me after Individuality. And I think that this time I will be one of the bottom three. Gosh. That is so stupid. This feeling about being bottom three at the beginning of the week.

Also the booth wasn't great for me. I must think about the video shoot all the time. I tangled up the lines and I wasn't by the song. Something in me let me just step back and hold me back to be like I am. In the moment I think I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve it to be here.

In the video shoot no one had much trouble with the kiss. I must hug Reid and be sexy at the same time. Ouch... Hard work. So Erik told me to let go and have confidence in myself. But how should this work when I feel awkward with it. I don't really now. The last thing I know is my wish to be in the bottom three and to go on in the next week. That I won't be send home in this week. That would be... would be terrible for me. Such a hard work and way and then all in the end of such a shit week. That were a pitty for me. In the end of the scene I kissed Reid. My first kiss with a boy who doesn't really love me. One more terrible thing in my head.

In the evening we were all waiting in the auditorium for the reveal of the bottom three. As always and every week. I was so nervous. Deep in my thoughts I knew that I was in the bottom. That this was maybe the end of me journey. After four weeks. And 10 minutes later it was true. I was one of the bottom three. My song for this was "This Is Me" by Demi Lovator from the movie "Camp Rock". I love that song so so much. With this song I know that I will killed it.

When my performance came I was so nervous. It was my first time in the bottom and I want to impress Ryan with my performance. This cannot be the end for me. It must be a start. So I sang the song and Ryan asked me why I was here. I told him the truth. He told me that I must show myself and believe in me and that I can be on glee. I thanked him and went out to the others. Now was the time to wait for the result. And waiting was that thing that kills you when you are in the bottom. You are afraid that this could be the end of the journey. That you must go home and that you will never see any of the people in this group again. After a very long wait Robert came in and told us that the list was up. Bree, Cassidy and me hug the other contestants and then we three went through the door. While I am rolling down the hallway towards this list different situations flooted through my mind. Finally I stand in front of the list and looked at it. And what I saw made me smile but also sad. I was in the next week but Bree. She wasn't and was send home. We all gather around Bree and hugged her. She is such a wonderful person. I will miss her in this group.

But now. I know that I must believe in myself and to let go and not step back when it gets hard. I know I can do it and so I hope that the next week will be better. So... Get still the fingers crossed for me, guys. I will not give up and will make the way to the final. And now... I am away till next week. See you all there.