User blog:Cat5sparkles/Joy's Vulnerability Blog

What up, Team Joy? *giggles*

This week was Vulnerability week. We all had to talk about what makes us vulnerable about ourselves to Erik. I could see it was hard for some people. It was sad. I don't like sad moments, it's just too... sad. I'm not very vulnerable myself, but after what happened in my senior year of high school, I don't really want to get my heart broken. But if anything happens with Connor... I'll take my chances.

The guest mentor this week was Chris Colfer! *covers face* He's a big inspiration to me, how he is so comfortable with himself. I'm a bit self-conscious from time to time, but then again, who isn't, you know? The homework assignment was I Wanna Hold Your Hand, the slow version from Glee. It's a great song, I just love it, and I love the Beatles, and it's a very vulnerable song when you sing it Glee-style, so that was a good selection.

In the end, Chris picked Emily as the homework winner, and I could see why when we all talked about our vulnerabilities with Erik. It sounds like she had a really tough time before Project: Glee. I always wondered what was beneath that sweet smile. I kinda wonder that about everyone. It seems that, or at least on TV shows, it seems like everyone has a secret hidden beneath their cheery mask.

The song for the music video was Fix You by Coldplay. That is a really great song, I listen to it whenever I feel sad. It doesn't help me get over my sadness, so I kinda listen to a bunch of Ke$ha songs after that. Or Justin Bieber. He looks like a freaking baby (Ke$ha's words, not mine), but at least he doesn't sing about getting drunk all the time (okay, those words are my words).

In the music video, we all got our own scene, of us and our vulnerability, if you know what I mean. My scene was me sitting on a bench, just minding my own business and being happy, when these meanies come up and start harrassing me. Sexually. That was a little hard for me, that scene. I felt a little uncomfortable, because that's happened to me once or twice in my life. I can tell you, it's not fun.

Because of me not being able to face my vulnerability... I was stuck in the bottom three with Gray and Taylen. I was kinda surprised, but I went along with it. My song was Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar. Whenever I feel angry about something, whether it's a fight with my friends, or I just feel angry at my parents for fighting all the time, I box. I took up boxing when I was twelve to let out my anger about anything that really got me mad. When I boxed, I would listen to that song. It helped me get pumped up, and I know it, so I was pleased.

When I performed for Ryan, I could tell he loved it. He said I was fun to watch, and didn't have much bad feedback for me. I was sure I nailed it.

And I was right.

I happily looked at my name sitting there on the callback list, and I was so relieved. Taylen stayed too, so I was happy for her. But Gray was the one who got sent home. I feel bad for him, he seemed nice enough, but I'm not exactly surprised. It didn't seem like he had a vulnerability.

You know how I told you I box?

Well, I didn't bring my dummy wtih me to the dorms, but I brought a pillow or to, and I put them to good use on Saturday. I was laughing, having a good talk with Alexandria when we walk by the sofas. And do you know what we saw?

CANDI.

Not candy like lollipops and Starbursts, nothing like that. Candi like Connor and Andi locking lips. Together. With each other. Candi. I was... supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Mm-hmm. That's how angry I was. I can't even describe it, there's no word for it. I panicked. I went over to Andi and I told that little supercalifragilisticexpialidocious that it was VERY inappropriate of her to be kissing Connor. When she asked why, I thought of my dad's girlfriend. She told me that if one girl likes a guy first, they get to date him. I think that's a bunch of phooey, but I went with it for this madness. She looked confused, and she had every right to be.

But all was resolved in the end.

And when I went to sleep that night, I cried. Not because of Andi and Connor. No. Because of my parent's divorce, my breakup with Jonas (which was a lot messier than it sounds like), my vulnerability... everything.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and shut off the world.

Next week is Tenacity. And trust me, I have a lot to be tenacitied about. My parent's divorce, my bitchy ex-boyfriend, my vulnerability, of course, Candi, and the fact that I'm always in 10th place. True story, I'm consistently 10th. I'm always either low or at risk. Ugh, whatever. But I gotta get to sleep now guys. See you later. :)

Thanks for reading!